Introduction to NON-MONOGAMY
Know this: the intensity of love is always changing. Don’t put something this precious at risk. We intend to celebrate sex in all of its expressions as free from guilt, shame, or fear because there is no rehearsal for relationships, there is only actively relating.
Be mindful of how you make love, you might prolong life or delay death.
- What’s being unsaid?
Be Real – Know thyself and to that truth be true. Fidelity to the truth of authenticity.
What have I avoided telling myself? What don’t I admit to? What’s hiding?
Admitting to the withholding practice sounds like this:
“There’s something I’ve been withholding”
“Would you like to tell me?”
“Yes, this happened and I felt like this”
“Thank you, I have something to tell you as well”
“Would you like to tell me now?”
“Yes, thank you.”
Note: Withholding the positive stuff is just as detrimental as holding back the negative as well, so give yourself praises! What do you do amazingly well? Praise yourself! The point of the withholding practice is not to have a discussion, but rather to get things up to the surface and out into the present shared awareness. (This is like brainstorming or free writing, don’t edit yourself.)
What does your heart’s solar system look like? (Lovers and Labels)
- What’s your love style?
- What’s a relationship expression?
Relationship configurations look like solar systems. If YOU are the sun (or the primary relationship is the sun)
- There are planets of people who orbit you
- They may have moons of events that orbit them
- There may be asteroids that cruise into your life as special experiences and out again just as brilliantly.
Who are your planets? (Lovers, Family, Friends, Social Peers)
What are their moons? (Hobbies, sports, responsibilities)
How much gravity each planet has is determined by size and density of the relationship. (how much of my enterprise is being touched by this relationship) And they are set on their orbits in our system.
What is the shape of your heart? What vision do you have for how you want your relationships to look? We only imagine what we’ve been shown to be possible.
- Meditation to visualize what am I wanting
- What would my life look like if I was intimately expressing my sexuality
- Brainstorming what works for you and others who are like you will surface
Do you know your Boundaries so you can create agreements?
We want acknowledgement from the primaries and spouses before we do anything that harms another. Discussions about spending time with others can mean discussing where, when, doing what, and with whom, in detail but everyone deserves the gift of privacy. Be respectful and grateful of the time you spend with your partner(s) and show appreciation to their partner(s) or other responsibilities appropriately.
Because there is respect for the relationships, there is veto power if there is chaos or drama when a new person is added. A general rule is to bring together what produces more love and light… when we can create more love and light separately, be allowed to do so.
We know boundaries and agreements create freedom because You can start asking for the things you need in your relationship and create a safe space for yourself. Science learned by watching children’s behavior in two playgrounds differed greatly when there was a fence around them.
- Children in the playground with no fence congregate in in the center and only play a few select games
- When the playground had a substantial fence, children were free to play right up to the edge of the fence with a greater sense of freedom and adventure. They created games that used the entire park.
BOTTOM LINES: Condoms for penetrative sex. Protect levels of intimacy safety.
Full disclosure of intentions and intensity of feelings
Be expressive and transparent with the others
Acknowledge with mutual respect
No drama clause.
Can we communicate a bold request?
It’s not the words that are at the heart of the communication, rather It’s the exchange of energy. You need to know what you want and be able to ask it from your partner(s). We want to be expressive and transparent with the other person and leave everyone feeling heard and validated
TO SAY WHAT I’M NOT SAYING:
- What am I not saying? ____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
- What am I afraid will happen if I share this? ____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
- What would I like to have happen if I share this? ____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
GO and say these three things to the person, thank them for listening, and ask “would you like to respond to the things I just shared?” or “would you like to take ten minutes to think on this before responding to the things I just shared?”.
Note: You can’t supplement deficiencies until you identify the needs.
Satisfying needs are like taking vitamins that are essential to your overall health
- Can’t force all your needs onto one person
- Use diversity to get your needs met
- Some needs are for variety and difference and freedom
- Others need Intellectual, emotional and spiritual stimulation
- Relationship has to be fun and provide growth or learning
- Or satisfy a need for security and safety
- Or satisfy a need for significance or status
- Or satisfy a need for affection or recognition
- Or satisfy a need for autonomous control
Note that there’s a difference between having needs and being needy. Where are your particular need deficiencies? ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
It is unhealthy if this unconsciously runs me. I know Needs are not bad or good, rather that they are a continuum.
- Special, significance, or status (I want to control the relationship)
- Safety, security, stability (I want to close the relationship)
- Freedom, variety, fun, adventure, and learning (I want to open the relationship)
Give yourself permission to discover something about yourself and then take the responsibility to satisfy it.
Don’t get into something unless you know how you want it to end.
What do we do after breakups and during transitions? Some people are addicted to process thinking. Intimate relationships, however they may be framed, are of a heavier weight and quality and are more threatening to the relationship than other things like working and hobbies, because these social arrangements don’t share vulnerability. Intimacy requires vulnerability to be shared in trust. You can’t have trust with one and not the other because you become untrustworthy unto yourself.
Longevity is a terrible measure to rank a relationship because change is inevitable. It may serve a reason or a season, but breakups are not bad and transitions are natural. In fact, we can grieve these all gracefully because we know to plan for the inevitable once a relationship serves a season or reason.
Plan out your exit strategy – how do we dissolve this with panache?
What is my pattern with past breaks?
I need time to adjust from being lovers into being friends
I need a lot of emotional reassurance
I need the next relationship (rebound)
What do you need?
The simple rule is to always leave someone better off for having known you.
- EMOTIONS ARE MEANT TO BE FELT. Give permission to have big feelings. Then reconvene with what is actually practical. We have to exercise the fantasy so we can come back to reality and breathe.
- Identify what’s coming up for you, allowing it to come through, and then pass.
- Some coping strategy has been to break up, rather than diving in and dealing with emotional storms. Rather we center with support systems, friends, and professional therapy.
- Learn to set better boundaries for authenticity and don’t wear the happy mask when I’m not actually happy, or the angry mask when I’m actually hurting.
- Nothing is a waste if it’s learned from.
Denying and avoiding emotions is like setting timebombs in mine fields. If you’re going to be in a relationship for more than a few hours, it’s good to stay emotionally clear with a 72 hr rule of grace (no huge relationship decisions when there are emotional freakout storms).
Every relationship brings about learning opportunities in the wreckage.
Freedom based relationships are the only ones who will really know that there is no perfection needed when relationships are viewed as growth opportunities. Making mistakes is an expectation of the learning curve, it’s not doing damage or harm.
- Takes a tribe
- We all need support. You need support. Don’t do it alone.
- Other people show us what’s possible. Healthy relationships do not happen alone
- Sacred spiritual Sexuality is A level of soul sharing that adds a beautiful deepening
where people can meet each other and come together in their wholeness and fullness and accept one another and give themselves freely to one another – that is the beautiful magic of god level power.
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